So I finished the last entry saying that it was a quiet time at home, which wasn't entirely true. Its been pretty hectic since I got home and its all centred around the fact that I've been diagnosed with testicular cancer. I realised something was wrong way back in June in Kununurra but never visited the doctor for various reasons, although I remember one day in Kununurra when I actually left the hostel to walk to the doc's and then realised that I had no idea where it was! So I came back to find out but got distracted and never actually went.

But as soon as I arrived home I made an appointment to visit the doctor and he was 50/50 whether I was just a bit sick or if it was the big C, though when he said he was referring me to an urgent appointment with a consultant that's when it first started to sink in that it might actually be cancer. Sadly, the consultant was sure that it was and he booked me in for an operation a few days later. The operation itself was relatively uneventful, although when I was being gassed I did start laughing as I passed out!! And after the operation I felt the need to thank one of the nurses in the recovery room, drunkenly slurring that “I ushed to live with a nurshe and I know they don't get the gratitude they desherve, sho thankyou”, of course the nurse being Julie when I first lived in Melbourne. Not too sure which nurse it was but I did see one later who I kinda recognised and she was quite fit. I spent the next week walking around like an old man; being unable to stand up straight for 10mins after sitting down and making sure that I planned everything that had to be done before I got up so that I didn't forget to make my coffee before sitting down again, was not impressed at all when that happened! The limp disappeared pretty quickly but lying in bed was the worse as it took so much effort to roll over, and I got a sharp wake up call one night when I was woken up by a text and forgot to be careful when I rolled over to grab it, god that hurt!! But I'm mostly recovered and I will wear my three inch scar as a badge of pride!

After the op the doctor said that the CT scan from before the operation revealed that one of my lymph nodes had become enlarged, which meant that the cancer had spread and that I would need chemotherapy to treat it. That obviously was pretty gutting, but I still have a huge chance of success, over 90%, although the chemo isn't going to be much fun. I had to wait for the cancer centre in Belfast to contact me to arrange an appointment and meanwhile the biopsy came back confirming that it definitely was cancer. Soon enough the stage was set and I was scheduled for three cycles of treatment lasting around ten weeks, starting on Valentine's Day.

The treatment is going to be rough enough, I'm probably going to be a bit sick, and most likely will lose all my hair and any slight cough or flu could quickly become “life threatening”, which is really the biggest worry. I shouldn't be stuck in my bed all day but I probably won't have the same energy I usually do, although I know some of you are thinking I could do with a bit of calming down!! Its going to affect my fertility for maybe up to two years but everything will recover eventually, most of them within about 4-6 weeks of treatment ending. Except my nut, I'm never seeing that poor guy again, I didn't even have a chance to name him! R.I.P.

Obviously this cancer has had an effect on my life in the short term and is one of the reasons why I came home after Australia, rather than heading across to New Zealand, which I would have loved to have done. Its also the reason I haven't found a full time job yet as I was waiting for the details of the chemo. I have been applying for jobs that I really want though, all photography ones based around NI, and I have joined Kleeneze as a distributor. Basically I work for myself so I have no targets to meet and I just drop catalogues of household products, from cleaning and storage stuff, to health and beauty stuff, at houses and pick them up a few days later, hopefully with some orders. I keep a percentage straight away and I can receive volume bonuses at the end of the month. The best way to make money is to sponsor (hire) more staff and then I receive a percentage of their earnings as well and I can still do it during the chemo, as long as I don't work longer than I'm allowed to with my sickness benefits from the government. On that note I probably should mention that the NHS have been fantastic, I know that everyone complains about waiting lists and pretty much everything, but the moment they realised that cancer was a possibility they haven't hung around. All the doctors and nurses I've spoken to have been great, friendly and have always had all the answers or referred me to someone who did have the answers. Its been so much easier cos I've never had any doubts that the treatment will be total and successful.

However, I think its been quite a shock for everyone except me (apart from the very start when I found that my nut was freaking huge!) as I've had about 6 months to ease into the idea that it could be cancer and I was able to research on the internet the consequences, most memorable of which was the success rates of at least 90%! Everyone remarks how well I'm taking it and sometimes I wonder if I have ever grasped the seriousness of my situation as I don't feel like I think I should at this point. I've always been a bit stubborn and I don't really see why I shouldn't just go ahead and just beat this, I don't see why it should slow me down. I always think about the possible long term effects but until they happen I don't see why they should concern me, and maybe part of the reason for this is that I've never had any side effects, apart from the effects of the operation, so I've never felt sick.

My poor lil sis is finding it tough though, she's over in Glasgow on her qualifying year as a teacher. But she calls all the time and we chat loads, and I know she always thinks about me but I have my family all around me and she's a bit on her own in Glasgow, so if you know her, feel free to give her a shout! My parents are probably finding it tough too, even though they see me all the time, and they know I'm telling them pretty much everything but I think its still tough seeing your kid go through this. But really, I'm good! See how I feel during the chemo though, I know the hair loss is going to be a very visible reminder of what is happening to me.

Anyway, look at my life right now. By most standards its a bit shit, unemployed, broke, not living in Australia, still single and I'm sure my parents won't take any offence and will probably agree that I don't want to be living at home either, but they have been fantastic and supportive, and living at home has taken away so many other stresses that I know it will have a massive positive effect. But at the same time all this makes the little things just feel worse too, I had to get some fillings at the dentist, I might have picked up a speeding ticket and even smaller stuff that wouldn't even usually bug me but for about the first 3 weeks in January it just felt like life was just piling it on, seeing how far it could push me. A few years ago I was in a comparable situation which was the lowest point of my life (and to be honest it still feels like it was) and I think that getting out of that situation gave me both the strength and the fear to never let myself sink that low again. This time I feel like I'm being backed into a corner but now I have an 'opponent' to face up to and I'm just gonna fight my way out, bring it on!!

By the end of this year I plan to have succeeded in making this my strongest year ever, I want to have completed (and hopefully even organised) a trek on the Three Peaks Challenge, organise some sort of fund raising event, along with the TPC, to raise money for cancer research, I'm now attending a part time photo class and want to be signed up to a proper photographic qualification all by the end of the year. Oh, yeah, and beaten cancer too. Easy!

The battle has begun. Headed up to Belfast City hospital on Valentine's Day with my sis Joanne, her boyfriend Grant, Neil and his girlfriend Lorraine. Was a good laugh in the car, well for me anyway, mainly cos I think I was full of nervous energy and quite hyperactive! At the hospital and I was lucky enough to get a private room, though wasn't sure if that was gonna be quiet or lonely, but in the end wasn't too bad had loads of visitors and plenty of nurses coming in. Its a teaching hospital so I even had about 8 students come in and watch the doc talk to me and then make me undo my trousers so he could check my scar! The nurses are pretty cool, really friendly and even a few hotties, including one which I got busted checking out with Grant when she came back into the room sooner than I expected! Most of the people in the ward were pretty old, though there was one girl who probably wasn't even 20 who I felt pretty bad for, but she seemed optimistic enough. She's on the same treatment schedule as me so we'll meet a few more times.

As for the treatment, I had to get hooked up to a drip to flush my kidneys first, which meant I was peeing like a diuretic horse, and had to get chest x-rays and various cardio tests done so that they know what my normal readings are in case anything goes wrong. Then by Monday evening I was getting the good stuff, most of which is given by drip, meaning that from Sunday to Wednesday I was constantly hooked to a drip. That damn thing followed me everywhere, so I named him. He was made by Smiths so I called him Morrissey, lead singer of the Smiths band, and also the name of Russell Brand's cat!

I didn't feel too bad in the hospital, although Tuesday was pretty rough, as I couldn't really eat much, which is always how my parents always judged whether I was sick or not, I could have food or sympathy, but never both!! Released on time on Wednesday night I headed home and was a bit tired for the next few days, I had hoped to go to my photography class on Thursday night but unfortunately I got to throw up instead. Apparently it sounded pretty bad but the consolation was that at least my body knew when I was done and to stop trying, unlike when you're drunk and you're body seems intent on sending your liver and kidneys up your throat as well.

From then I slowly recovered and regained my energy, though most of my days involve a lot of lying about, which is slowly driving me nuts. Well, nut. (Geddit??? Yeah, the drugs are improving my sense of humour!) When I left the hospital they gave me a syringe with some more drugs that I needed 24 hours later, so on Thursday night my sister, the failed nurse, (look, it was either her or a vet!) had to inject me in my stomach with this stuff, to boost my immune system. Was pretty freaky but she did a good job and more importantly, I survived! When I joked on the 'Questions' section that I wake up with a hangover, that's actually the best way to describe how I'm feeling, that every day I have a slowly decreasing hangover, with the nausea, thirst and fuzzy taste in my mouth.

On Tuesday I was back down to Belfast for my single dose of the Bleomycin drug, in at 11am for blood tests and then I was free to sightsee Belfast until about 3pm. So I had a wander around, went on the “Big Wheel” (I say it like that cos its so small that you go around 3 times to make sure you get your money's worth) and ended up feeling adventurous in a Pizza Hut all-you-can-eat. Not my best idea as I ate until I was almost sick again but headed back to hospital for my drug and home. I had hoped that seeing as I didn't really have any side effects last time that I would escape them this time but sadly this was not to be and by the time I was home at 5 I was straight into bed with flu symptoms. Apart from getting up to eat a few times I stayed there until about 10am the next day, though I have been recovering since and feel pretty good today so trying to get loads done before next Tuesday when I have to go back.

Been a good week, mostly! Back on Tuesday for another dose and was so relieved to have no side effects at all! Was so glad I didn't have to spend hours lying in bed, bored. The bad news this week is that the hair loss has started. Was pretty gutting when I noticed the hair on my towel after a shower, but I knew it was coming. I'm not bald yet, but there is a couple of little patches that look like a bad haircut, i'll be getting it all shaved off when I get back from hospital on Wednesday. The good news is that my beard has practically stopped growing, loving not having to shave!!! I'm starting to lose some of my body hair as well, noticed my armpit hair was pretty thin this morning.
Apart from that its been quite quiet, still trying to work with this Kleeneze work, got a few more orders in and now trying to start sponsoring other people, as I get a bonus based on their revenue! Managed to get a web design project too, doing a small site for a mate, but it pays so all good!!

Need to start organising and promoting the Three Peaks Challenge too, trying to think of a name for it now. My sis suggested 'Man Up, Man Down' as I'm a man down and people should man up and climb a few hills. I had thought of “Got Balls?”, based on the American 'Got Milk?' campaign, but the domain names are already gone. Also thought of the best name for a formal night to raise money, though probably not gonna happen as think it's too big, but I could have called it “The One Ball”. I thought that was hilarious!!

Back to the hospital tomorrow to start my second cycle, which is officially past the 3 week mark, and one third of the way through. Sadly I think that was maybe the easy third, though now I know what to expect and I'm determined to try and keep up my energy and not lie about too much, here's hoping!

Well, I've successfully survived my second bout of chemo!! Wasn't too much different from the first one really, wasn't lucky enough to get my own room again, sharing with 3 other guys this time. The drive down with mum and dad was a bit quieter than the nervous hyperactivity of last time, stopped for some lunch again before heading in. No paperwork or tests this time, apart from a lung function test as I was a bit breathless walking up steep hills taking photos around a bridge here, nothing bad, just wasn't as effortless as it usually was. Most of the nurses were still there and I was impressed they all remembered me, and of course I remembered them!

Had my bed in the corner so was able to sit and gaze out longingly at the sunshine (the hospital as warm so as long as the windows were closed you couldn't feel the cold!) The med students came around with the whole “Scrubs” style rounds thing, and this time one of the girls came around to chat to me before so that she could 'present' me to the group before they arrived. Dad called up on Monday night after work for a while, then mum and dad both arrived on Tuesday and just after they left Sandy and Cod arrived with Lance Armstrong's book and sweets. The sweets were good but eating half the bag probably wasn't my best idea, felt a bit rough after!

The days were pretty uneventful, this time I paid for the internet at my bed tv thing so I was at least able to type a few emails and read the news. I was definitely the least sick out of the guys in my room, one guy had arrived a week ago for a day trip and wasn't allowed to leave for a week, though he was in pretty good form. The two other guys were pretty old, and I think they were finding it tough at times though it was good to see they had so many visitors. Had to leave the room at one point though, one of them farted and it could have gagged a maggot, I almost sprinted out the door and down to the day room! The other guy seemed like a good laugh when he was on form, he had his visitors in fits of laughter a few times, and he had an unusual ability to fall asleep instantly, sitting up.

Sharing the room with those guys I did appreciate that I could be a lot worse and I am still quite lucky, in terms of my diagnosis, age and chances of success. I always knew (hoped!) I was one of the 'lucky' ones but it still puts everything into a different perspective yet again. It also seems that our ward is the 'healthiest', or maybe youngest, out of all 4, and I'll be honest I would not want to set foot in the other ones at all, I think they would be much tougher to visit even if you didn't know anyone in them.

One of the other patients is an 18 year old girl, who is having chemo more as a precaution following an operation, as opposed to a necessity like me and is getting exactly the same treatment and schedule as me. I knew she was young but was still shocking to hear she was a teenager and has had to quit her first year at uni to return home to fight this thing. She seems to be coping ok, though the hair loss is obviously a bigger deal than for me, and she is having a tough time with her veins which this time meant that she needed a PIC line, at least a foot long, inserted up her arm to administer her drip, which is permanent until her treatment ends but means she doesn't have to get stabbed multiple times just for one blood sample.

Not much has happened since I got home on Wednesday night, everything I did on Thursday was aimed at making sure I didn't miss another photography class and I did make it in, though felt like pretty long class. Had to inject myself this time with the bone marrow booster drug, last time my sis did it but now she's back in Glasgow I was left with my dad, the vet who can't even watch me give blood or my mum who, we would both agree, no. Was a bit freaky but I managed it ok!

The hair loss has started at a dramatic pace and on Thursday night after my class I headed around to Neil, an experienced slaphead of nearly 10 years, who was finally gonna get his revenge and bald me. He started gently taking it down to about a size 1, which I haven't had since I was about 17 and surprisingly blond! But in the last few days since then its looking too patchy and is still coming out so I'm heading back soon to get the whole lot gone probably,

Its Sunday now and I'm up to watch the first grand prix of the 2010 F1 season, gonna be pretty homesick in two weeks though when the Aussie GP rolls around and I'm not there. Not many other plans yet, I have to stop procrastinating and start getting some stuff done! My cousin, her hubby and her 3yr old arrive sometime soon so I'll get to play the cool relation and teach the kid stuff he shouldn't know!!

Its been quite busy but still quite quiet for the last few weeks. When I'm sick all everything just piles up and then when I'm better I try to catch up on it all. Had loads of fun with my cousin Dyane, Grant and their kid Aiden, took them various places around town and generally kept the wee man amused! Took him bowling, indoor playground, the park, around town and plenty of games of snap!

My photography class finished this week, sadly I didn't get out to take as many photos as I wanted for obvious reasons but still got 6 good ones to hand in for our project. We presented them to the rest of the class before handing them in, there were some great shots being shown but I was happy that most of mine were really good as well. We headed to the pub after for a few drinks but I didn't realise that the school car park is locked up night, had to call my dad for a lift home who was not best impressed! He couldn't say too much though as he was ringing people for help earlier in the night as he had filled his car with diesel before realising that he had no money to pay!

Another highlight this week was that I had a interview on Thursday for a job as school photographer in Northern Ireland! I applied way back in January and thought they were supposed to get back to me in February, so I had figured nothing was happening but they rang last week and booked me in. It all seemed to go pretty well, I printed a portfolio for them to view and even though I had to admit that I have no portrait photos (yet!) they were still impressed, commenting that I had a good eye which is great as that's quite hard to train. Was a very informal interview with none of the usual expected “What can you bring?” and “Tell us a challenge you faced” type questions. Thankfully they asked on the application form about health issues so they already knew about my treatment and it was actually the first thing discussed, asking how it went. Find out next week if it went well and hopefully meet the guy would be working with a week later, then find out if I'm successful. If I am I get a car and all the gear I need, and though the pay is pretty poor, the plan is that the other guy is retiring in a few years and (hopefully) I'm in charge!

Watching the qualifying for the Australian GP and really missing it, for the last two years I was there and loving it, the noise, the party, the cars and running around taking photos! But I'll be back, somehow!! Still determined to meet my challenge of a grand prix a year, think its going to be either the German or Belgian grand prix, UK won't happen as I'll either be working if I get the job or in France with my family.

Not really looking forward to the last cycle of chemo, it always sucks with the nausea and tiredness, but I think this time will be the toughest as I know that this is the last, so I'll be impatient to get it over and get back to normal. Its frustrating as my body is sick and tired but my head is fine (well, relatively anyway!) and I just want to get up and do stuff but don't have the energy.

Sadly it means I have way too much time to think, and as much as this all sucks, I do still consider myself very lucky. By now I've seen other sufferers and heard about friends who have had family members fight cancer, most with success, but I still have had the best odds of everyone I heard of. I'm young, I can fight it and still have decades and decades left to live, I'm not still not saying I wake up in the morning smelling flowers and all that crap, but it has focussed me head more in chasing what I want to do. I don't think it has changed me much, I was always cynical, confident that life is a bitch, but it puts a lot of stuff in perspective and I think that I know that the little stuff really is that little. Some people have told me that they have been stressing about something and then they think about me and realise that its not that important, but I think that's not really fair. Everyone has sh*t to deal with in life sooner or later, and I think that you should make the most of it before it hits you, and then draw the strength from dealing with it afterwards.

The support I have received from everyone has been amazing, so many people have been emailing and calling to see how I am, from my close friends to people I haven't spoken to for 10 years! Its been overwhelming and I'm finding it really hard keeping up with the emails, but I am not complaining!! My family have been great too, I know that sometimes they feel they're not doing enough, and I've said it before, but I'm back living at home with so few other stresses and they are always driving me about to hospital and places when I'm too sick. I don't expect any more than that and after meeting so many people around the world I really appreciate how lucky I am that they have worked to be in a position that I can come home like this. My sis said she considered leaving her job (as a first year teacher) and trying to teach around our city instead but I don't think she realises (until she reads this anyway!) just how angry I would have been at her if she had. I really don't want this little piece of crap cancer slowing me down and I don't think it should affect anyone else's life to any significant amount, to me its an inconsequential hiccup and won't last long enough to be worth making any big changes for.

Received loads of hats from a variety of people and got a few kick ass hats that cannot be described without a photo, so I'll be trying to get those online after I get out of hospital! My sister is home on Thursday so she can take the photos.

This is it, final stint then its hopefully all over! Bring it on!!!

The third cycle has begun!! And as far as I'm concerned its almost over! I only have a few days before I am (hopefully!) recovered with no more nausea and my energy back to my almost usual amount. From here its a cruisey ride with almost normal life through two more single dose days, my CT scan on 19th and the end of it all, on 29th April, when I have the clinic to find out the results, whether or not I win, basically. I will, as always.

Since the last time my third and last hospital stay was largely the same as the last two, they filled me full of drugs and largely dodgy hospital food and I tried to flirt (poorly) with the nurses. I had a private room again this time, which was cool but it was also pretty quiet at times, and surprisingly most of the patients were women this time, with only a couple of guys. Mum and dad had a few problems getting to and from Belfast with the snow on the mountains, mum was on the last bus to get through and they had to take the long route along the coast to get home, though loads of people had to abandon their cars and stay the night in various schools etc.

Brought the nurses a few gifts as a thank you for just being cool, as I really appreciated how friendly and chatty they were, and it made it so much easier for me, and hopefully everyone inside. They were always on the ball, and just did their jobs really well, and, well, I dunno, they were just really great! Cheesy yeah, but credit where its due!

Not much other excitement during the stay at the hospital until the very end, when I confidently told one of the other patients, who was leaving about an hour before me, that I thought I felt better than I usually did by this stage in the treatment, but less than 10 minutes later I was on my knees in front of the toilet. Not happy, didn't even see it coming, only went in to pee.

Thursday was probably one of the lowest points during this whole thing, I hadn't eaten much all day and ended up in front of the big white telephone again that night. But because my stomach was empty it wasn't going well and I could feel myself start to lose consciousness as my body desperately tried to expel what wasn't in my stomach. And again because I had proudly yet incorrectly proclaimed earlier that night that I felt fine, I was home alone but was able to call Neil who came rushing up to my aid, even though the Liverpool match was on! (Think I owe him big time though, he missed the first goal against Liverpool, oops!)

Now I'm recovering from my single dose on Tuesday which didn't start so well when again my body decided to make another urgent call on the big white telephone five minutes before we were due to leave. The ninety minute car journey afterwards wasn't the most fun I've ever had in a car but I survived, and mum and Joanne had a short day shopping in Belfast while I hung out in quiet places where I could read and not do much else. As always I got home and crawled straight into bed, waking up about every three hours through the night to eat and then back to bed.

Even though I have very little energy I am recovering pretty well, although I've probably now jinxed it and I'll probably end up back in front of my porcelain pal later tonight. I am obviously really looking forward to just getting back to normal life, being able to start earning some money somehow, getting out and taking photos that I keep having ideas for and just start doing all the things that I cant. I'm still waiting to find out if I got the school photographer job, I'm down to the last “two or three people” and just waiting to meet the guy I would be working with so that he can decide. Obviously if I get it that would be fantastic, and two fingers up at cancer to go from chemo almost straight into my dream career, but I'm just happy to be one of the final few. Even though the interview was much more informal than I expected I'm glad it went well as I haven't had a proper job interview since I was at uni!

I'm now one year closer to 30, noooo!!!! My birthday was yesterday but was pretty quiet as I'm still waiting for my cancer results on Thursday and waiting to find out if I got the photographer job. I had the second interview last week and it seemed to go well, and I found out that there is definitely only two of us left, but still haven't found out yet. So frustrating at times as I try not think about it but then I just start thinking about the cancer results on Thursday instead, and vice versa!

Recovering pretty well from the chemo, my energy isn't still quite what it used to be, but still getting a lot better, my hair hasn't returned yet and my nails seem to showing the effects as well now, but they're not too bad. My sister bought me another hat for my birthday, this time its a big Loch Ness hat which is pretty hard to describe but very funny and cool!!

Finally had some time to start organising the Three Peaks Challenge and start getting sponsorship and people together. Check out the website at www.scaredownthere.co.uk and sign up if you think you can handle it! Set a target of £1000 to raise, between the Everyman Campaign and Ovarian Cancer Action so I'm hoping I should make it!!

I still have too much time to think about what will happen on Thursday, or at least how I'll feel about the results. Needless to say that I'm hoping for, and confident of, positive results, and I'll be bloody happy if I get them! No idea how I'll feel, but I'm imagining pretty unstoppable, with some mild swelling of the head and ego! As for negative results, well, from what I've read the next stage is surgery to remove the lymph node (and hopefully it hasn't spread beyond those, it all goes downhill from there) but even with keyhole surgery it will be tough on me and can have long term side effects. But I'm hoping I'll handle it the same as I feel I have done so far, just face up to what has to be done and do it, but I'm sure I'll be pretty disappointed. I know I won't just crawl into a corner and let it beat me, and I know I can rely on the support of my friends and family, who have all been far more supportive than I ever expected or hoped, but still, its gonna be a kick in the ball. (Hopefully I can still make cheap jokes about it though!)

Anyways, one thing I haven't been doing is worrying about it. What's the point?? I'm trying not to think about what I'll do if its good news as I'm terrified that I'll jinx it, but there's no point freaking out about bad news until I actually get some. If I start to think about what's gonna happen on Thursday I just try to distract myself with something else.

So, the photography job is... Dammit! Think of something else!! Coffee! No. Beer! No. Australia! Nearly. Boobs! Thats it!!

So, not much other craic really, everything is pretty much on hold waiting for both results then I can start planning my summer. Wedding in June, maybe London trip at start of July, France in July, maybe Germany, hopefully a grand prix, and hopefully a job to pay for it all somehow!!

From Facebook on 29th April, a.k.a. Results Day: “Today is the day. No matter what paths I have chosen in my life, where I have been, who I have met and what I have done, everything would always have converged on this point and, for one brief moment, everything stops, I hold my breath and...”

True? Totally. Deep? Yeah. Over the top? Entirely!!

But straight to the point, sadly on Thursday I didn't get the result that I (and seemingly everyone else!) were hoping for, but it wasn't all bad news either. Basically the chemotherapy shrunk the tumour, but not enough that the doctors are happy and so now I need surgery to remove the tumour, which hopefully should be the final step and the axe on the cancer. The good news is that my blood markers show that the cancer is not 'active' (its a mature teratoma) which means that typically it shouldn't spread elsewhere but will continue to grow where it is once it has recovered from the chemo. I will be having weekly blood tests until the surgery and I guess that if they indicate that it is becoming active something will happen very quickly, probably the surgery. At the minute my surgery is urgent, but not top priority, and I have to wait for a letter from the surgeon confirming my date. I'm guessing within 8 weeks but no idea really.

The other good news this week is that I got the photography job!!!! My new boss's boss rang on Tuesday to say that the unanimous decision was for me and that I would be starting training in England for one week on 17th May!! So proud of myself and can't believe I actually have a job in my dream career!! Plus I get a free car, cameras and studio kit which I can use any time myself which are some definite perks, along with getting all the school holidays!! I have since spoken to them about my results and they still definitely want me to work for them, which is a relief! Hopefully surgery will not affect my training and I think their main interest is that I'm good enough to work in September, the busy time.

The doctor that told me the results was, as always, great and explained everything and anything she couldn't answer she said the surgeon would explain. As soon as she started talking she seemed to be hovering a bit too much over what would happen if it wasn't the best news and that was when I realised that the meeting wasn't gonna go as well as I hoped, but like I say she was great and really explained everything she could, and sat patiently through all of my questions!! I asked her if I can delay the surgery until July so that I have my summer holidays to recover and not affect work, she said it may be possible but basically whatever the surgeon says goes, so just have to wait and see.

Needless to say, I am disappointed, but I knew this was the next stage and I always knew it was possible and had been preparing myself. I did some research way back at the start about the surgery and I have never been looking forward to it, and sadly I looked into it a bit more on Thursday night after the results and its not going to be a fun time. Keyhole surgery is possible but very unlikely so its open surgery with a few risks that, well, to be honest, do scare me a bit, and a foot long scar which is why the recovery time is probably about 8 weeks. That said, chicks dig scars!

As always, I am continuing to be incessantly and blissfully optimistic and I have bounced back pretty quickly and will face this head on as I always have. We're heading out for a night out tonight as I still want to celebrate my birthday and getting the job and I don't see why this should change that. Unfortunately it has pretty much screwed any travel plans for this summer, I think if I am able to go anywhere I probably wont be able to afford it anyway with the amount of time I'll be off work. But it will give me plenty of time to sit around and get caught up on the various videos of my travels that I have still yet to edit, and I plan to take loads of photos before the op so that I can edit them during my recovery time too.

My mischievous imagination hasn't been dented either, as for my sister's birthday I designed a card for her from MoonPig but when I saw that you can print a short message on the front of the envelope I saw an opportunity not to be missed. So I addressed it to the school where she works and printed in a very official looking serious black font in the top corner “If undelivered please return to Glasgow Family Planning Association” I thought it was pure genius!! Her (and dad) not so much, but kept me and plenty others amused!!

Finally got the website finished for the Three Peaks Challenge (www.scaredownthere.co.uk) and now have to really put the effort into getting it organised asap. Check it out and feel free to donate money or sign up and join us in August!!!

Been pretty quiet since my last update, everything has slowed down for a while until I get my date for my surgery. Again its another waiting game as I'm hoping its scheduled later so that I can get more time working at my new job before the summer holidays, but I also want it earlier so that I can get it over with to enjoy the end of my summer and be ready for the busy time of work in September. Pretty much resigned to the fact that I won't be leaving Northern Ireland much for the summer, much less outside the UK, although I'm hoping that whenever the operation is my family are still able to go to France. Normally I would threaten a house party, but this time I think its gonna be difficult if I'm so sore I can barely sit up!

Started my new job as a school portrait photographer on Wednesday, and had a really good first day! Thought it would be quite a slow day, as most first days are, with me just standing back watching everything, but I was able to do more than I thought and the kids made it much more fun! Second day was more of the same but still good fun and learnt plenty again. Once the training in England is finished I should be able to start work properly, looking forward to seeing how well I handle it!!

The North West 200 motorbike race was down at the coast this week and is Ireland's biggest motorsport event, so of course I planned on heading down! I had hoped to go down for the practice session during the day on Thursday but as I had to work I headed down on Tuesday evening instead for a few hours. It was bloody freezing but really quiet too so plenty of space along the trackside. At the end of the night I kept up the unbreakable family tradition that whenever we go to Portstewart on the coast, we have to buy a Morelli's ice cream, even though it was so cold the ice cream actually helped to warm me up!

On Saturday I jumped on the 8am train down to the coast with Colin and Emmy for the main race. The entire track was absolutely jammed but we had great day just wandering around and enjoying the races, even though we had no clue what was going on! But Emmy's brother told us how to sneak into the back of the paddock (security isn't quite up to F1 standards) so after two fences we were in wandering around the paddock, checking out the various teams working on the bikes between races. It was just as hard to get back out of the paddock so we had to break out again and weren't the only ones, leaving with seven other people! By about 6pm we were shattered (and a little drunk) so we headed back home on the train for a quick shower and change and back out to the pub for a few more drinks with a few more people. A very long but pretty great day.

On Sunday morning I was supposed to wake up and fly to my training in southern England but unfortunately the infamous Icelandic volcano with the unpronounceable name has sent another dust cloud over the UK and my flight was cancelled. After much checking of boat and train websites it was arranged that I would set off on a slightly epic trip at 5am on Monday morning, driving to the harbour for the boat across to Troon, Scotland and then board a train (well, actually 3 in total) to travel south to St Ives, a massive 17hours of travelling! I'll miss the first day of training but I can catch it up during the week, and leaving it any later also increased the chance of my surgery getting in the way. No idea yet if I can fly home yet, but hopefully the return trip will at least be shorter than this!!

Thankfully the epic trip to get to St. Ives was completely worth it, as I had a great week at the training. The laboratory is a really impressive place, it looks like an old stately home and is absolutely huge, and it has to be as it handles thousands of photos every day for half the schools in the UK.

There were two other English women in the training with me, one was a school photographer the same as me, and the other was working with early years, so kids and babies too young for school. We spent a lot of time setting up our studios and taken photos of each other, as well as meetings with various people and departments learning about the company and what we would have to do. We even had morning tea with Mrs. Tempest, the wife of the founder, on our last day and she was a great lady, sort of person who could keep you amused for hours with plenty of anecdotes.

St. Ives is a really nice town too, very quaint English coastal town style, though the streets in the town are a nightmare, some are one-way, some aren't and most are cobbled and very narrow. We ate in the hotel most nights as the company was paying (three course meals every night!) but Tempest took us out one to a restaurant in town which was another great meal and a good laugh. On the last day we headed out on one of the tour boats to have a look at seal island and if we were lucky see some dolphins as well (we weren't lucky) but seeing as it was only the three of us and the boat captain with his mate we sat in the bay just relaxing in the boat, enjoying the tranquility.

On Saturday I headed back up to Bristol for my flight home, but because I headed back into St. Ives for a few photos in the morning I was a bit pushed for time and when I arrived at the airport the supervisor closed the check in just after I arrived, never managed to cut it that close before!!

By the time we got home my company car had already arrived! Ford Focus at the minute until I choose my next car, bit of a limited list but I'm thinking its gonna be a 207 estate. All my equipment arrived a few days later and I've been out with Fred most week days since. Its good fun with the kids, though we've had a few difficult ones who refuse to look anything other than grumpy, as well as the obligatory screaming toddlers who wont pose beside their older sibling. We've been doing some group photos where the kids pose with various props and are a bit more informal than the usual group shot as well as being a bit more fun and creative.

Last weekend I headed paintballing with Sandy and a load of other people for her boyfriend's birthday. Had a quality day and even though everyone was worried it would rain the whole time (it didn't) the wet ground meant that we could do some quality slides behind barricades. I got a good few people, though got killed in almost every game as well, along with taking about half a dozen headshots, including one to the back of my head which really hurt! Also managed to get the flag briefly in capture the flag but the wet ground through me off balance and into the side of the barricade instead of behind so I got shot in the ass as I tried to scramble to safety. Think everyone counted themselves lucky they weren't the guy who received two sore and bloody headshots at point blank range after he tried to sneak up one our base from underneath.

That night Paul had a party at his house and we all just generally had a laugh and a few drinks. I was pretty well behaved, although by the end of the night I was creating cocktails that were basically every alcohol I could lay my hands on mixed with a splash of Iron Bru and Redbull! They were actually better tasting than expected, even though my first attempt ripped my throat apart and they were so strong they were all nicknamed “Rohypnol”.

Back working again this week, and even been out to a few accounts on my own, which was a bit nervous but was all good (hopefully, have to see if the powers-that-be get back to me saying they weren't good!). This weekend I'm heading over to Leeds for Chris' wedding, should be good to catch up with a few ex-uni mates!

“I'm not entirely sure what happened after the bus, but there was a club, there were shots, there was a bouncer, there wasn't a girl, there was an ambulance, there was a pizza and now there isn't 40 quid. awesome nite, congrats on the wedding!!”

“I like that text, its a good text! I'm keeping it.”

Those two texts I barely remember sending the morning after Chris and Ruth's wedding, clearly the shots still had a strong grip on me! But the wedding was a great day, everything went well and no one said the wrong name or sprinted out the door.

The wedding was in Ilkley, just outside Leeds, in a church that was slightly unusual in that the main room was upstairs but the service was great and they left happily married. After some photos on the grass outside the bridal party headed off for photos and everyone else headed to the reception in a marque in the Yorkshire Dales, a beautiful location in the hills and even had a river running past it!! And during a brief “band malfunction” a group of us were out skimming stones, though thankfully all still too sober to think swimming was a good idea!! The speeches were good, even considering they were all by accountants! The cake was impressive complete with a cricket theme though I did have to ask Chris what he sacrificed for the wedding to persuade Ruth to let him do that!

After the meal and the speeches the couple had their first dance, interrupted briefly when the sound system somehow electrocuted itself, and after that everyone got stuck into the free bar! Wasn't too much craic but was a good laugh chatting to everyone. Was good to catch up with Suzanne, that Chris and I lived with in our final year at uni, as well as meeting a few other familiar faces that I'd met while I knew Chris. Had a brief chat with his mum which I mostly remember, but I think I should have probably talked to her earlier in the night!

I managed to get the bus back ok and was determined to keep the party going so due to a lack of support and a stubborn determination I managed to find the nearest club and some more people willing to do shots. As the text said it was all getting very blurry by now and I had managed to find a very rough bar but I got out safely and after stopping for pizza and watching some guy getting thrown in an ambulance (it should have been a cop car) I staggered home in the daylight.

The last week has been a bit all over the place really with work, mainly as its the end of term and everyone is winding down but some schools are trying to squeeze last minute and end of year photos. Monday was a great day though, I drove to a school on the coast for about an hours work and then spent a few hours on the Giants Causeway taking photos, and then drove home, pretty much all on business petrol! Really sunny day as well so I stopped by the famous Morelli's in Portstewart and had another great ice cream! Paid for it on Tuesday though when I had to leave the house at 6.30am to be at a school and it was a pretty hectic day as we had two group studios set up in one room, with Philum and Fred doing vista photos (casual group shots with props) and me doing the more traditional groups. As always it was good fun but definitely the noisiest day so far!!

The coming week is pretty quiet, only got two days of work so far but that's pretty good as my next and final op is Monday 21st. Pretty major surgery this time, they have to slice me open and lift out my insides to get at the lymph nodes behind my stomach. Then they chop out the sick node, plus each one above and below it just to be sure, stick everything back in and then stitch me back up, complete with huge scar! I might be in hospital for up to two weeks recovering, and then maybe another 6 weeks till I'm really back on form, though I'm hoping to take at a week off that time!!

Anyways, hoping it all goes well and I make it out the other side, but if not, well, isn't that the way to go out, leave the audience wanting more!!!

Its the night before I head for my operation, starting to get a bit more nervous. Surgically its a simple operation, they slice open my front from below my rib cage, around my belly button and stop a few inches below. Then they lift out my stomach and maybe some other bits, chop out the three lymph nodes, chuck everything back in and stitch, or maybe staple, me back up. Then I face about 1-2 weeks in hospital, depending on how quickly I feel I recover, and then plenty of relaxing time around the house, with them predicting that I'll be almost normal (Normal, ha!) after 8 weeks in total. I plan to knock that down to 6, at most! But I've got plenty to keep myself amused, as I still have emails to reply to (sorry!), videos to edit from ages ago (again, sorry!) and I've been out taking loads of photos recently so that I can sort through and edit them. Of course this all falls apart if I'm too sore to sit up! But as always I've got my family around me and they've been great so far, even though I know my sis has hated being so far away from me, and I still don't think they realise how much I appreciate having a home to come back to, even if we do sometimes (frequently!) drive each other mad!

There's the usual risks from what is major surgery, so infection is probably a biggy, and there's a chance they could cut nerves which may leave certain, umm, mechanics affected. And for the same reason that they can't do keyhole surgery with the specific nodes between my two most important arteries, there is a chance they will cut my vena cava or aorta, though that's probably not too bad as I'm already open for them to fix that immediately.

And of course there is the other risk, though it is minutely small and tiny and little, of the other, ummm, final thing. As you'd expect I've thought a little about what would happen in the worst case scenario, not just from the surgery but all of this saga, and what would I do and how would I handle it, and I still have no clue! I try not to think about it too much, its too negative for me, but I do wonder if I hadn't been diagnosed with such a successfully treated cancer how I'd handle it.

Y'know what, since uni my life changed so much I had no idea, I never planned to go travelling, or barely leave the UK, I planned to settle down with a well paid and probably slightly boring job, get the house, the car(s), the wife, all because I thought that's what I should do. And for those that have done that I'm not knocking it at all, I still want most of that life eventually, but I don't wonder what would have happened if I had got all that after uni. It had to all fall apart before it was rebuilt and I have loved every minute of it since then, and I don't doubt that everything I have seen and done, and the people that I have met since them gave the me the strength and confidence to get through all this with such a positive attitude, knowing that there is so much out there to still enjoy. I'm not gonna name everyone here because there's too many and I still have to clear my room and pack. But I think most people realise the influence they had on my life, and I'm grateful to them. I've met some amazing people who have really helped me realise my own abilities and have pushed me to be even better.

So. I've started on the path that I never knew was perfect for me, and even now with it looking like I'm settling back in Northern Ireland for the near future even though the only thing I planned was to leave here, I am really happy. I have bugger all money, no house, not really a car, dunno how long it'll take to find a wife, but I'm doing a job that I love on my dream career. Sounds patronising but life isn't all about the job and money, but if you can get paid to do something you really enjoy, then that's fantastic. And I don't believe the adage that if you plan to ruin a hobby, take it up as a job.

But anyway, what I now believe is that the only person that can honestly judge your life is yourself, and to paraphrase a song, when the day finally comes you take out a piece of paper, write down everything that you have achieved, everything you have done, everyone you have met and everything you have seen, and you have to be happy with that list. And I'm pretty sure I would be happy with most of my list, (still haven't bungee jumped!), and even though my list isn't finished, isn't that the point?? Or else you wake up one morning and realise there is just no point in getting out of bed.

Anyway, it all doesn't matter, I'll wake up after the op, cancer gone and everything all good, hit on the nurses excessively and blame the drugs, struggle to eat the hospital food, get home and watch too much TV for 3 weeks and then be back on top form, ready to take on anything, including bungee jumping!!

See yous all soon!!

Mike

“Successful keyhole surgery. My new 3 favourite words!! Bit sore, but all seemed to go fine!! Bad news is I can't eat for the rest of the day! Thanks for ur support!”

The message above is the group text I sent on the afternoon on Monday 21st June, still slightly tanked up on painkillers and very very happy have had keyhole surgery.

But back to the start and people who have been paying attention would remember that I had been told by the surgeon that keyhole was very unlikely, due to the location of the lymph node between my major arteries. But a second surgeon, who was the one who would actually be doing the operation, looked at the scans and because the nodes were infront of the arteries, rather than directly between them, decided that he would attempt keyhole. He said it was a 90% chance of success but he would first go in with the cameras and check it out, but if he wasn't happy he would come out and just go straight into the open surgery.

So I went into surgery not knowing what would happen, but confident of success and hopeful for keyhole. This time I was knocked out by injection so there was no giggling under the laughing gas and when I woke up I remember the first thing I asked the nurse was whether I had keyhole surgery. Pretty sure I was happy when she said yes as I remembering insisting that she high-fived me!! Don't really much else in the post op and by the time I was wheeled back up to my ward my mum was already up there anxiously waiting for me!

As always the nurses and doctors were great, with an ample complement of hot nurses and a couple of students too. The ward was pretty uneventful up until the last night, when an old guy moved into the bed next to mine, but had problems sleeping. At first I was wide awake until about 3am when I decided to go for a walk (no easy feat in my state) and get some painkillers from the very hot (and engaged) night nurse. Finally fell completely asleep until I was woken by the old guy, Henry, standing beside my bed complaining about the pigs. From here there followed the usual drama of two nurses trying to convince a scatty old man to put on the hospital gown (“I'm not wearing that, I'm not a fruit, thats a woman's dress!”) and stay in his bed. It was quite amusing but he was also a bit scared sometimes when he forgot where he was and was asking for his son, so felt a bit sorry for him as well.

The doctors had said that even though I was in pain, the more I moved about and left my bed the quicker I should recover, but as soon as I left my bed the pain increased and unfortunately peaked just after I lay down again before slowly dissipating. Strangely the main source of my pain didn't seem to be the cuts but was actually my shoulders, which apparently is somehow related to the gas they injected into my body to allow the keyhole surgergy. It was almost funny that even as I lay in bed writhing with my shoulders in agony, I had a smile on my face as I knew that no matter how sore it was, it was many times better than getting open surgery! I was allowed to leave the hospital on Wednesday, after only a few days inside instead of the 10 days in bed, plus another 6 weeks recovery that I was expecting from open surgery.

Being at home wasn't much different except that I was able to watch more TV and the food was better, I still had people waiting on me and was still in pain, though I was starting to learn tricks of how to ease the pain, seemingly putting my arms above my head while lying or sitting did the trick for a while. Finally on Saturday evening I just knew that even though I was still sore there would be no more lying down in front of the telly and since then I've been pretty much back to normal and its been great!!

Apart from that its been kinda quiet, unfortunately my family had to cancel their trip to France and if we had known I was having keyhole surgery we could all have gone, though the drive down would probably have been sore on me. My sister has finished her first teaching year and is now qualified but now has to find a permanent job and is home for most of the summer. So now we are all at home for three weeks and no one is working, I can see plenty of odd jobs being done around the house!

I thought it was going to be quite a quiet summer with me spending most of the time on the sofa but now I can get out and do stuff!! Still not sure what the plan is, but some people are hopefully visiting here and I hope to visit some people in Europe, as well as me and my sis taking a trip somewhere for a week.

But this may all be moot by Friday 9th July as I will get the results from the lymph node biopsy and find what was wrong with it. As far as I know it could be basically one of three things: most likely a mature teratoma, which means its cancerous but benign; or its just dead flesh or a small chance that its an active cancer, though the blood tests don't seem to have indicated this. If it is the last option the doc will probably recommend more chemo, which would obviously suck, but if its the other two then I think (and hope!) that should be it all over!!

Here goes!!!

I DID IT!!!! I BEAT CANCER, I WON!!!! Such a relief, and still taking time to sink in, but it feels fantastic!

But anyway, before I got my results back I met up with Lindsey and Danica from Perth to take them for some sightseeing around the Northern Irish coast. Had a pretty good day, though the weather sucked, especially if you were an Aussie girl visiting with no trousers. The wind at the coast was pretty strong and they were both pretty cold but hopefully they had fun anyway! Took them to the Bushmills Distillery, Giants Causeway (and told them the legend of Finn MacCool), Dunluce Castle, skipped the rope bridge and then headed into a few pubs and cafes around Portrush and Portstewart. It was a good laugh and great to see them again and hopefully I repaid their hospitality for me in Oz.

And now back to results day, Friday 9th July. Started as any normal day, yadda yadda yadda. Headed down to Belfast and had to wait ages outside the room before it was my turn, walked in and shook hands with the doctor who was the most deadpan and unexcitable person I had ever met. He was giving me good news, great news even, and sounded like he was ordering a chinese takeaway! But he said that the lymph node was only dead flesh, which was the best result as it meant the chemo had killed all the cancer in the first place, but had killed the lymph node too. I remember letting out a huge sigh and leaning back in the chair, putting my hands behind my head and waiting for what else he had to say. But that was it, he was just waiting for me to leave! He confirmed that that was it, it was all over and apart from check ups for the next 5 years, I was free! The whole meeting took less than a minute and I was back outside, head spinning and grinning like a loon!!

I had to sit in the car park and contact everyone and actually tell them good news for once!! Mum and dad were a bit speechless (but delighted!), as I expected really, and I had to text my sis as she was working and couldn't answer the phone. Then I headed into town for lunch with Sandi before heading off on possibly the longest drive ever to get home!

Went out that night for a few drinks to celebrate with Cod and his friend Steph, and met up with Joanne and some of her friends. A few drinks turned into going back to Michaela's house and playing on the Wii and drinking vodka until 6am! Felt pretty rough by Saturday and we have decided to leave on our Irish Roadtrip on Sunday, so loads of organising and packing to be done, which I cannot bear to face. But nearly 2 weeks travelling around Ireland with my sister, should be great craic, as long as we don't strangle each other!!